Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
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*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
S/o to @funTweeters .
Spring cleaning checklist…
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I first experienced deep shame and humiliation when my mom told me I should probably start saying “train” instead of “choo-choo train” while I was still at the tender age of 27.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.