when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
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If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
A double negative is a big no-no.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”