who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
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“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
(by @ZachWeiner )
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
wut hotdog?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools