Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
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Bruce Wayne was terrified of bats & he became Batman, so anyway that’s why I became ClownBaboonDentistMan
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?