Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
All excellent questions
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.