So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
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Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Productive day sketching while waiting at the DMV.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
lmfao come on
Name another movie that mislead you?
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
me hitting on a model
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid