Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
You Might Also Like
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
(Gaming support cat.)
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.