My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
im pitting my doctors against each other like divorced parents. tellin my dentist that the podiatrist said i can have sugar cubes
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.