Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
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Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME