to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
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My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep