My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
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When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*