[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
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I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
My husband said he wants someone to scare him on Halloween, so I think I’ll tell him I’m starting menopause.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}