My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
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[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
based al yankovic
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.