Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
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I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
yeah 😭
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud