Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
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Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.