Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
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Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
The government even made aliens boring
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
[bicycle race]
Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.