When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
God, I love Scotland
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Has science gone too far?
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.