HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
I cannot stop laughing. Bungalow.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Pikachu found the lost joint
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”