Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
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Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Salad is the decaf of food.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.