People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
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If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Social Media and Real life
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok