Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
ARTHUR: Knights, I have a dangerous mission for you.
SIR LANCELOT: I shall go.
SIR GALAHAD: We all shall go.
SIR VEY: Okay, actually, just—quick poll—who else does NOT want to go?
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no