You’ll be OK
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if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
How to wake up a Beagle
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are