I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
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Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
2023 was just a warmup
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.