me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?