It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
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me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
My patience has stretch marks.