When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
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sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Proofread twice, hang posters once
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Erm I’m gonna say no
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby