Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
You Might Also Like
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
its wild how some kids are so free with other new kids with brief torrential friendships on a playground. imagine grown ups just walking up to each other like “HEY, ADULT” and then you’re grocery shopping or doing your taxes together for an hour then never see them again
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.