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Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Do one person every day that scares you.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*