“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
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Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
in medieval times i think the worst job was prob the castle door opener bc like you have to open those 500lb doors to let your ppl in but you gotta get that shit closed before the bad guys get in too. like i’m anxious just writing this tweet tbh.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight