I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
When someone trying to leave me
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!