Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
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Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.