JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
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Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Goat cheese is for herders.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.