inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon