When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
This checks out
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?