I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
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My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE