Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
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Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
#Caturday
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.