I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
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IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count