ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
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MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
An amish party in the desert called churning man.