[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
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Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”