i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
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And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
twitter users today:
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
me when I see my crush
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
the last thing a carrot sees