Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
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The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
TODAY
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.