Ah..makes sense now
You Might Also Like
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.