They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
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[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
#Caturday
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare