4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
You Might Also Like
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
fired
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Interior design 👌
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
If you look in the mirror & say “pumpkin spice latte” 3x a white suburban girl will appear & tell you everything she loves about the fall
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?