[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
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5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
forgive me baja for i have blast
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.