ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
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OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
Lmfaoooooo
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.