If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
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23. the denim jacket
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Cashiers are always checking me out
I cannot stop laughing at this
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Any refunds available?…
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
The most important meal of the day is the next one
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
For the baby who has everything
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.