Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
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Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
rise and shine we got egg