Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.
“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want