Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
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Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
huge valentines day plans this year!!
we all know this pain all too well
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok